Four emotions that cue relapse:
- Resentments
Repeatedly, we are reminded that holding onto resentments will lead us back into addiction. Resentments keep us focused on the negative and let others live in our heads rent-free. When we hold onto resentments, we eventually feel like others are controlling us. Our immediate response is that we then need to control others. Holding onto resentments is a loss of freedom, a loss of justice, a loss of self-will, and an act of self-destruction. Therefore it becomes bitterness which is a frozen resentment in or subconscious and unconscious mind in a form of a scar (unhealed wound). - Anger
There is a difference between anger and rage. Anger is one of the four basic emotions that emerge from within us from infancy. The other three basic emotions are sadness, happiness and fear. Each of these basic emotions will be covered individually below.
Anger is the feeling that comes from not having our basic needs met, being cornered or attacked, being violated, or unjustly having something taken from us.
One of the big problems with anger is that many of us have never learned how to express healthy anger. Many of us were raised in alcoholic or abusive homes, where rage was a weapon of control. It was an emotion meant to impose control and engender fear in others. It was an emotion that was meant to inflict hurt, to create chaos, to start arguments that became the rationalization to continue to drink, gamble, or use drugs. Anger was used as a cover whenever more vulnerable feelings surfaced. The inappropriate use of anger is a classic example of the damage inflicted on children who grow up in an alcoholic home. Many of us experience tightened stomachs, get sweaty hands and underarms, start developing headaches, or feel a sense of insecurity whenever we hear voices raised, or hear individuals loudly disagreeing with each other. The immediate thought and reaction in such situations is that something bad is going to happen and someone is going to get hurt, quite possibly us.
We feel insecure, we get headaches, we have an anxious feeling that runs throughout our bodies and we start thinking again about how unsafe we are. This vulnerability is similar to the vulnerability we felt as children, when we witnessed violence, or bore the brunt of violence (either verbal or physical). The all-or-nothing reaction kicks in automatically and we find ourselves filled with the same rage that, growing up, we hated in others.
Today, we can change our experience with anger. Sharing with others in recovery allows us to experience the freedom of expression, followed by the capacity to leave things there or be propelled into positive and appropriate action. Compulsive people (alcoholics, gamblers, and drug addicts) tend to be thin-skinned, touchy, rebellious and suspicious. Think of how you respond yourself when someone comes on too strong. We all prefer the extended hand rather than the upraised fist.
- Fear
Fear is the second of the four primary feelings. It is a healthy feeling because it serves as a warning device when something is wrong or we are in some danger. But what happens when this warning device fails?
Unfortunately, many of us were either physically and/or verbally abused in childhood. This experience of abuse results in either a hyper-vigilant screening of the world around us, or in a shutting down of healthy fear. This all-or-nothing approach to self-protection either leaves us totally isolated and guarded, or involved in risky situations and behaviors. We can see that this type of black and white approach to fear is not healthy and is one of the dynamics that lead to relapse.
We are tempted to back off from going to Fellowship, to stop sharing, to isolate from our friends. We start to believe we are safe only when we are alone. This aloneness is a trigger for relapse because, by definition, it leaves us with only our own isolated thoughts. It eliminates the “we” part of the program. On the other hand, we may suddenly find ourselves hanging around “old friends” with whom we used to drink or get high. We might find ourselves going to bars again, thinking, “I haven’t drunk in quite some time and, now that football season is here, I need a distraction from all this stuff”. We might find ourselves in relationships that are abusive or unhealthy for some other reason. Again, the flip side of the hyper-vigilance coin is to fail to protect ourselves at all.
We are taught to maintain “constant vigilance” in areas related to our recovery. This means going back to the basics with such things as avoiding HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) because we are likely to lose sleep over the tragedy, isolate, carry anger, and go without eating because we are preoccupied with worry. We need to accept being more vulnerable at this time. Each of us has times of the year when we are more vulnerable than others--anniversary of a death, a pending divorce, loss of a job. This disaster is also a time of vulnerability, and we may need to double up on meetings to take care of ourselves.
In recovery, we have the choice of how we deal with FEAR.
To F--- Everything And Run or Face Everything And Recover.
- Sadness
We will undoubtedly feel deep sadness from the pain of loss and suffering from tragedy. What do we do with the tears? Will the sadness ever go away? What do I do if the sadness brings up other losses I have experienced in my life? These are all questions that surface when allowing sadness to emerge. Let’s look at them.
What do we do with the tears? First it is important to remind ourselves that tears are healthy. Tears are healing. Tears are an expression of sadness that allows both us and others to know the depth of pain we are in at this moment. Some people are comfortable sharing tears in the company of others. Others are more private about their crying. There is no right or wrong--what ever you are comfortable with is fine.
Will the sadness ever go away? When we are in the middle of crying it seems that the tears will never stop. However, they do not go on forever. We do not stay sad forever. The wisdom of the program comes into play here, in the teaching, “and this too shall pass”. All feelings are like waves that come onto a beach. They come in waves and then subside. The program teaches us not to run from our feelings. Many of us are not used to the intensity of a feeling, particularly when we’re early on in recovery. Remember, recovery is about change. If nothing changes, “nothing changes.”
What do I do if the sadness brings up other losses I have experienced in my life? It is common for many of us to have unresolved losses. We may have been using when a parent died and have never gone through the grieving process. We may have not grieved the loss of marriage? We may be cut off from our children due to our irresponsible behavior while in active addiction. It can re-stimulate a sense of confusion and despair about going on in life. It is important to remember that Jesus Christ does not give us anything we are not ready to handle. We don’t always get what we want, but we do get what we need. This sadness and re-stimulation of unresolved grief can be a gift and a stimulus to go to that next level in recovery. Perhaps you have noticed that you have “plateaued” or are “treading water,” and have been avoiding certain topics with your mentor. Taking this next step of addressing unresolved losses could open up many new avenues for a healthy recovery.
If you have significant sadness and/or re-stimulated unresolved grief there are some basic actions that will help. Here are a few:
- Put words to what you are experiencing, both on the inside and physically
- Take first things first, so that you counter feeling overwhelmed by doing the next clean and sober thing
- Restore hope and faith in whatever ways work for you
- Work to achieve balance in your responses, don’t catastrophize or minimize
- Pray and meditate on God’s Word
- Exercise, eat well and get extra rest
Look into all four domains of relapse prevention: spiritual, mental, social, biological.
Am I meeting my spiritual needs through prayer, meditation, worship, and reading?
Am I meeting my mental needs through reading, writing, learning, and exploring meaningful ideas?
Am I meeting my social needs by having family and friends who support, encourage, and exhort me on a regular basis?
Am I meeting my biological needs by eating live foods, sleeping soundly, exercising regularly, etc.?
Mental Relapse
Different behaviors that cause
Irrational Thought and Mental Relapse:
1) CLOSED-MINDED:
Also called selective editing, selective attention, selective perception, selective abstracting, specific abstracting, mental filtering, mental editing, preferential selection, a cognitive bias, impaired abstract reasoning, ignoring, tunnel vision, being in a closed system, being closed to investigation or examination, "taking things out of context," "having blinders on," "seeing through rose colored glasses," "tailoring the facts to fit," "hearing only what you want to hear," and "seeing only what you want to see." This is the choosing of only some of your cognition's for conscious processing, and, usually, just the good or just the bad. It can be basing the whole on only one or a few details while ignoring more important or other existing facts. For example, you may have a negative bias. Thus, you find the negative, the fault, the error to focus on, so that you can maintain your negative evaluations. Twenty good things may have happened, but you consciously notice only the one or two negative things. Or you may be Pollyannaish and notice only the few good things while ignoring the many bad.
2) DISCREDITING:
Also known as discounting, disqualifying, disconfirming, minimizing, undergeneralizing, the "binocular trick," being myopic or shortsighted, "missing the big picture," and "missing the forest for the trees." This is the error of reducing a lot of evidence to a little. For example, we can do this when we deny our compliments, achievements, and good qualities. Or, when we deny our faults, failings, and frailties. It is the error of under regarding the relative significance of events. Its opposite is dramatizing. Instead, consider other views.
3) DRAMATIZING:
Also known as magnifying, exaggerating, awfulizing, catastrophizing, sensationalizing, "making the news newsworthy," "taking things too seriously," "making a federal case out of it," "blowing things out of proportion," and "making mountains out of mole hills." It is "missing the trees for the forest," "seeing only the big picture," or being presbyopic or hypermetropic. Catastrophizing occurs when you make too much of an event, and imagine doom and gloom as the result of it. For example, you may believe that some insignificant error of yours will cause you to be fired. We can also sensationalize events to be good omens, harbingers of good fortune when they are no more than ordinary events. For example, you may believe that some small thing you did well will get you promoted. It is the error of over regarding the relative importance or meaning of evidence or events. Its opposite is discrediting. Instead, reality test the predictions. Keep track of their accuracy.
4) JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS:
Also known as mind reading, fortune telling, assuming, just guessing, making arbitrary conclusions, making an invalid extrapolation, and making an arbitrary inference. It is the making of an inference about something that has little or no evidence to support it. We may assume that something is going to occur only to find out later that it had little or no chance to. It is making conclusions without much data to support them, and even in the face of greater contrary evidence. Instead, try other perspectives.
5) ONE-WAY-OR-THE-OTHER:
Also called absolutistic, extremist, dichotomous, polarized, dualistic, judgmental, linear, one-dimensional, pigeonhole, either-or, all-or-nothing, and black-or-white thinking. It is thinking in categorical extremes, placing all of experience into one of two categories. Extremist thinking can be characterized as the intolerance of ambiguity. It leads to the narrowing and constricting of thought pathways, and is the insistence of categorizing everything into extremes, into opposites, into one end of some continuum. The middle ground and-or the majority of instances are not recognized. Instead of percentages it believes only in absolutes. Absolutes do occur, but not nearly as often as combinations of them or variations on them. Instead use both-and thinking. Often both ends of a continuum can be applied to the same event, and also additional information. Things can be good, neutral, bad, or mixes of each. Rarely is something a total loss, a total failure. Stop pigeonholing and instead note or use the following: gradations in between, moderate, intermediate, middle ground, intermediate range, some of the time, most of the time, but not all of the time, often, a few times, sometimes, a few times, partially, continuous dimensions, shades of gray, not discrete categories, on a continuum, relative rather than absolute standards, complexity, variability, diversity, bell curve, normal curve.
6) OVERGENERALIZING:
Also called global, broad, nonspecific, diffused, vague, and all-inclusive thinking. This is the error of taking a little evidence to be the proof of a lot of things: all-izing. It is the making of a general rule based only on isolated incidents, only on limited personal experience. For example, you may judge your or another's behavior as always being inadequate if it was only a few times or even just once in the past. The classic examples are racism and sexism, for example, "All men are unfeeling brutes." Overgeneralizations are general conclusions about all situations based on a limited and unrepresentative sampling or polling. Instead, recognize the individuality and uniqueness of people, places, and things. Your experience alone is too little and too narrow to use to make rules, laws, standards, and definitions for most things. Walk a mile is someone else's shoes.
7) PERSONALIZING:
Also known as being overly subjective, self-centered, the egocentric error, "taking things too personally," "can't see past your nose," and having false ideas of reference. This is the self-centered activity of taking events to have personal meaning when they do not. It is the self-referencing of events, the connecting of events to yourself when there are no real connections. For example, you may overhear a conversation and assume it is about you. Or you may think the weather is plotting against you. Instead, learn to take ego out of the picture. People are reacting to a lot more in life than just you! Get out of yourself and into action.
